Rant

I feel like everyone is moving on with their lives and I'm having such trouble doing so. I thought taking another year of high school would help, all I feel is that everyone is just so annoyed with me. I thought therapy would help but there're days where I sit wonder "what is the point of living?" I feel so hopeless all the time. I can't even be happy, I have to fake it and people see it. I don't want to live like this but I'm starting to think that I will have to deal with these depression episodes my whole life.

I also had a huge emotional breakdown on Friday. It was after school and I think my hormones were out of place because I was walking past the living room, saw my grandmothers chair and just fell on the floor bawling my eyes out. After about 20 minutes of inconsolable crying ( thank god no one was home) I managed to perk myself up and clean the house and shower. It was strange because I usually don't have that big of a breakdown but it was bound to happen sometime because I hadn't had one recently.

Not Surprised

Alrighty, So my week went alright, there were no break downs till Saturday. My mother had called me and told me that Tristan (my 4 year old nephew) had been talking about me for the past 4 days and really wanted to see me. So my mother asked my sister if it was okay if I saw him and her answer...NO! The reason being she wanted me to see him at her house! The problem with going over there is that every time I go she badgers me about my looks and the way I live. Long story short I didn't go. Other than that it was a pretty good week.

For this whole therapy thing, I really don't enjoy going because I am not one to talk about my feelings but how else am I suppose to be happy with myself when I ignore my issues. I didn't realize how difficult therapy would be. My therapist is great, it's just having to go so deep into why I feel the things I do or the lack of feeling I should say. I have learned that I don't know what emotions I display. For example: hearing that my nephew was asking about me and wanted to see me but knew he couldn't made me feel angry but I assume I was sad too because I cried but that could be because I was so angry at my sister that I started crying. I am very confused with different feelings so that's what my next therapy session will be all about "feelings". What a joy!