Reality and I

So in my last blog post I was talking about how I was excited about summer,well it's been a month and the excitement has dropped extremely low almost to a point where I have more unhappy days then happy ones. In the beginning of the summer I had gone to the cottage for 2 weeks and it was relaxing the first week but then we had 4 children who are naturally rambunctious. I have to say I was quite patient with them and that is only because I started my Adderall. The pill is working wonderfully except for the fact that I've lost 12 pounds in a matter of a month. It's known to do that because it takes away my appetite. Anyways Jerry and I came back on the12th just before my birthday. I more excited to go on the computer than anything because I had lost my phone at the cottage. When 12:00 hit I thought I'd be excited because it was my 20th birthday. I honestly didn't give two shits. That day I asked my mother if I could come to her house to celebrate and well I should have expected the expected, we sat around in her little apartment. I left feeling quite disappointed because I had realized I did nothing. I was invited to go to a club with my bff for her birthday and I didn't have a way to get there so that didn't really help. On Sunday Jerry's daughter had planned a surprise for me. We went to go see Magic Mike! It was quite good I must admit, we then went to Demetre's for dinner.

Since then I have been at home not able to leave because Jerry's having her kitchen redone and the guy who's doing it has been taking a couple of weeks off and has my house key so I have been inside the house all day and will be for awhile. It was great at first because Jerry has gone back to work but then the days just get lonely and I'm stuck listening to the thoughts in my head. College has been on my mind lately and I'm not as positive about it as I was in June. I am defiantly having anxiety about it. I've been asked by many people in past 2 months if I was "excited" about college and my answer is always "yeah of course." I honestly was excited about going and now I am dreading it. I was talking to a friend of mine and she said "of course you would be, high school was your comfort zone." It hit me, I am more upset about leaving high school and that meant leaving all the teachers, my friends and all the people that know me behind. Everything is changing and I feel like I'm losing control. I can't control the fact that I have no choice but to move forward. I thought by taking an extra year of high school that I would be ready to move on, I just feel so overwhelmed with all the things that need to be done before I even walk into College that when I think about I just lose it even with being on the pill. I also haven't seen my therapist in 2 months and I have now realized how much I need one. There are still days where I still question why I am here. I am starting up with her again soon and I will talk to her about everything that's going on because right now I am not handling anything very well.

A New Start!

Today was the last day of school and I wasn't sure how I would handle it emotionally. Turns out I'm doing quite well! I'm excited that it's over because a new beginning is going to start. I'm starting college in September! I'm excited and nervous at the same time because it's a big change. Going from a small school and having familiar teachers around me to ending up at a place where by the end of your year you have no clue who your professors name is. I'm sure I will settle in alright. Next week I have my doctors appointment. I've decided to go back on my medication so I will be focused for college. Summer is just starting and I haven't been this happy for it for a while. I've always hated summer vacations but this year is different, I have not yet figured it out but maybe it's because I know the school year will be difficult and I know I need to take advantage of the free time that I have now!

Baby Fever!

Okay so I have mentioned this before in the past post about feeling like everyone my age is ahead in life. Well over the past few months I have had the extreme case of "baby fever". I know I'm young I'm only 20 and I feel guilty for having it but not at the same time. More than half of my Facebook friends are either living on their own or with their SO, some are pregnant and others already have babies! I hate when someone on my Facebook announces that they are pregnant. My words are literally "Seriously?" I wont go out and get pregnant but I'm just so curious as to why I'm feeling this way. I'm young, I shouldn't want a baby! To get over my baby fever I went over to my friends house and said "alright I'm taking the baby for a walk!" It was great. She is 7 weeks old and the cutest thing. I brought her to my school and showed her to my teachers. I really wanted to let one of my favorite teachers hold her because I know is really wanting a baby girl! It was great to see her so happy while holding that little bundle of joy! I basically killed 2 birds with one stone because I made us both happy. Anyways I'm going to make a doctors appointment to see what's happening inside my mind and I think I will ask her to test me to see if I can even conceive because one of my sisters can't and my other can conceive on like the first try. I also need to get back on Adderall since I'm starting school in September!

New Plan

I went to my usual session today and we talked about all the issues we had covered. My therapist then asked me if I was excited about this being our last session. I was honest and said yes and no. I felt like we really hadn't gotten as far as I liked but she insisted that I was improving. So we both decided that I will still see her once a month. I feel a bit better because I will still have the kind of support that I know I will need.

Anyways, these past two weeks have been alright. Two weekends ago I stayed at my aunts house because I had my skills assessment that I needed to get done for college. I enjoyed seeing all my cousins whom which I hadn't seen in almost three years! This long weekend was good! I had a pool party that I went to and I babysat. The child that I was babysitting wasn't having the best day so keeping him happy was quite a challenge and it didn't help that the power went out and came back on when he was asleep. That caused him to wake up at three in the morning. I can say that putting him to bed was easier than it has been in the past. I knew he was cranky and tired because he didn't have his usual afternoon nap. Other than that the weekend was good. The Monday was pretty relaxing besides the fact that I moving things out of the kitchen because Jerry is renovating it.

Excuse Me?

So I have been going to my therapist for a while now and I've actually gotten use to it. This time my therapist decides to tell me at the end of my session that I only have TWO sessions left. What? She hasn't even spoken to me about the issues she has discovered about me! How can I only have two left? After hearing the "wonderful" news, I walked out feeling uncertain. I told my teacher the news since she is very gong ho about the whole therapy thing and she...well I think she was kind of surprised when I told her that my therapist thought I was doing well. To be honest I'm kind of surprised as well. I thought she would recommend more sessions because I know there were more issues that she wanted to address with me.

What's bugging me about this is that I can deny to everyone around me that I'm fine and I don't need anymore therapy but I know that I could use some more sessions. I don't think I was doing that well, actually I thought I was doing worse because of my moods. I think I'm going to ask for more sessions, I mean what harm could more therapy do, right?

I also haven't really spoken about my eating issues because they're up and down all the time. Usually I will be alright for a few days and I will eat substantial amounts of food but then there is always at least 3 day in the week where I will look in the mirror and feel so crappy about the way I look and that is when the eating issue arises. When I feel this way my mind will literally tell me " you look too fat today, don't eat" so I know that day will be a battle to eat. Monday was not a good day, I wouldn't let myself eat until at least 7 o'clock pm. Those days are always tough because there is only so much you can do to distract yourself from the hunger pains but I manage. So far the rest of the week has been good. I still have the constant guilt when I eat something but I try and tell myself I need to eat to live.

Rant

I feel like everyone is moving on with their lives and I'm having such trouble doing so. I thought taking another year of high school would help, all I feel is that everyone is just so annoyed with me. I thought therapy would help but there're days where I sit wonder "what is the point of living?" I feel so hopeless all the time. I can't even be happy, I have to fake it and people see it. I don't want to live like this but I'm starting to think that I will have to deal with these depression episodes my whole life.

I also had a huge emotional breakdown on Friday. It was after school and I think my hormones were out of place because I was walking past the living room, saw my grandmothers chair and just fell on the floor bawling my eyes out. After about 20 minutes of inconsolable crying ( thank god no one was home) I managed to perk myself up and clean the house and shower. It was strange because I usually don't have that big of a breakdown but it was bound to happen sometime because I hadn't had one recently.

Not Surprised

Alrighty, So my week went alright, there were no break downs till Saturday. My mother had called me and told me that Tristan (my 4 year old nephew) had been talking about me for the past 4 days and really wanted to see me. So my mother asked my sister if it was okay if I saw him and her answer...NO! The reason being she wanted me to see him at her house! The problem with going over there is that every time I go she badgers me about my looks and the way I live. Long story short I didn't go. Other than that it was a pretty good week.

For this whole therapy thing, I really don't enjoy going because I am not one to talk about my feelings but how else am I suppose to be happy with myself when I ignore my issues. I didn't realize how difficult therapy would be. My therapist is great, it's just having to go so deep into why I feel the things I do or the lack of feeling I should say. I have learned that I don't know what emotions I display. For example: hearing that my nephew was asking about me and wanted to see me but knew he couldn't made me feel angry but I assume I was sad too because I cried but that could be because I was so angry at my sister that I started crying. I am very confused with different feelings so that's what my next therapy session will be all about "feelings". What a joy!