So in my last blog post I was talking about how I was excited about summer,well it's been a month and the excitement has dropped extremely low almost to a point where I have more unhappy days then happy ones. In the beginning of the summer I had gone to the cottage for 2 weeks and it was relaxing the first week but then we had 4 children who are naturally rambunctious. I have to say I was quite patient with them and that is only because I started my Adderall. The pill is working wonderfully except for the fact that I've lost 12 pounds in a matter of a month. It's known to do that because it takes away my appetite. Anyways Jerry and I came back on the12th just before my birthday. I more excited to go on the computer than anything because I had lost my phone at the cottage. When 12:00 hit I thought I'd be excited because it was my 20th birthday. I honestly didn't give two shits. That day I asked my mother if I could come to her house to celebrate and well I should have expected the expected, we sat around in her little apartment. I left feeling quite disappointed because I had realized I did nothing. I was invited to go to a club with my bff for her birthday and I didn't have a way to get there so that didn't really help. On Sunday Jerry's daughter had planned a surprise for me. We went to go see Magic Mike! It was quite good I must admit, we then went to Demetre's for dinner.
Since then I have been at home not able to leave because Jerry's having her kitchen redone and the guy who's doing it has been taking a couple of weeks off and has my house key so I have been inside the house all day and will be for awhile. It was great at first because Jerry has gone back to work but then the days just get lonely and I'm stuck listening to the thoughts in my head. College has been on my mind lately and I'm not as positive about it as I was in June. I am defiantly having anxiety about it. I've been asked by many people in past 2 months if I was "excited" about college and my answer is always "yeah of course." I honestly was excited about going and now I am dreading it. I was talking to a friend of mine and she said "of course you would be, high school was your comfort zone." It hit me, I am more upset about leaving high school and that meant leaving all the teachers, my friends and all the people that know me behind. Everything is changing and I feel like I'm losing control. I can't control the fact that I have no choice but to move forward. I thought by taking an extra year of high school that I would be ready to move on, I just feel so overwhelmed with all the things that need to be done before I even walk into College that when I think about I just lose it even with being on the pill. I also haven't seen my therapist in 2 months and I have now realized how much I need one. There are still days where I still question why I am here. I am starting up with her again soon and I will talk to her about everything that's going on because right now I am not handling anything very well.
